Apache Pizza

‘Pizza in a pinch’. Apache is ok pizza if you’ve got a craving and don’t have time to track down the good stuff. I had a hankering for just a slice this evening and wandered in to have a look at the menu. Deciding on the Mediterranean Vegetarian, I popped inside to place my order, passing a group of lads downing a large man-​pizza (pepperoni-​heavy) each. The staff guy on duty is a sweetheart, always so polite and softly spoken but then he informed me that only the pepperoni pizza comes in slices! I didn’t see that mentioned anywhere in the menu and I was so disappointed. Maybe next time I’ll either get my pepperoni-​craving testosterone levels up and go that way or just get a small/​individual sized pizza. For the moment, I’m going hungry. Sob.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Apache Pizza. Thanks to living on the northside (albeit on the quays), none of the interesting or delicious pizza places will deliver to my building. They simply refuse to walk across the bridge and bring me a delicious pie with organic and locally-​sourced ingredients from one of the independent pizza parlours.
Instead, I must choose between Dominoes, Apache, and the likes of Four Star Pizza. So… conglomerate pizza hell.
For whatever reason, Apache Pizza strikes me as the best of the worst. I like their fluffy crust, the aqueous amounts of sauce, and the fact that jalapenos are a normal item on their list of optional toppings. I am humorously appalled at their racist branding (i.e. the Wigwammer, The Big Chief, The Hiawatha Hawaiian – what?! – and The Tomahawk). Oh, and I get a big kick out of ordering delivery and having the Apache man ride his motorcycle a total of 3 blocks to bring me my food. It makes me feel royally lazy and delightfully spoiled at the same time.
Someday when I live on the south side I will know the glory of actually good pizza. For now, Apache is the only pizza place saved in my phone.