Adult Maxxx

Wow ok, so I’m doing this. What’s the harm? I’ve seen many-​a-​yelper don the creeper crown on occasion, so I guess it’s my turn. Let’s get this freakshow on the road!
So, while waiting for a pizza to be prepared at Pizza Pizza (likely story? Pfft!), I got bored, and decided to risk my flourishing appetite and venture next door.
First off, the place looks like it’s located in Rape Alley. Tucked away behind the Pizza Pizza, and adjacent to Popeye’s Chicken, Max’s retains none of the charm of those lovely lit up locations, and is shrouded in darkness. And in case that’s not happy enough, a huge dumpster sits next to the entrance. I was unable to locate a sign on it reading «Potential Rapists: Hide Behind Me», but I figured that was a given. I tightened my belt, quickened pace, and went inside.
It wasn’t nearly as seedy as I thought it was going to be… but it was still pretty seedy. Then again, should I really hold that against them? I mean, I think I’d be more creeped out by a porn shop that featured Blockbuster shelving, sparkling floors, and a Walmart-​esque greeter asking me what kind of wank material I was looking for that evening. Yerrghh. By creepy porn shop standards, this was more than adequate.
From the outside, you’d think this place would be pretty small, and I certainly wasn’t expecting a virtual maze of titles, most of which I imagine have only been watched 4 and a half minutes into the first scene. It should also be noted that they seem to be well-​organized by popular genre: Straight, Gay/​Lesbian, Breast-​centric, Ass-​centric, Fetish, and if I’m not mistaken, I recall a section even devoted to Asian titles (ahem, that’s TITLES). I only glanced briefly down the aisles* for 2 reasons:
–I refused to touch any of the boxes (yerrgh), and
–There were a couple of customers in there, all of which gave off a total mom’s basement trench coat flasher vibe (yerrgh).
Besides, I was pretty sure I was about through burning time in there.
As I made my escape from Clam’s Labyrinth, I did notice that they also sold other merch. Seems odd to me, since I don’t imagine many couples going into the smut cave to buy couple stuff, especially since Aren’t We Naughty is a mere 10 minute drive from there. In any case, they seemed to have a notable selection of bedpost-​prisoner handcuffs, rubber clubbers, battery-​operated furburgers, butt-​beads and other assorted knick-​knacks (wow, did I just use that term in THIS review? Gross!). They also had a small section devoted to Stag-​shop-​esque erotic costumes for men and women. Some were interesting, I could see the headline already: «Insane man in Adult Pikachu costume clobbers Popeye’s Chicken regular with dildo in rapey parking lot», so I put the costume back, and made my way to the exit.
I’m sure there were other goodies to be discovered, but I wanted pizza. Overall, you could do much worse (and creepier) from an adult dvd rental shop, even if it is located in Captain Creeporella’s Rape-​atorium. It’s clean enough, and has a huge selection of titles.
As for the pizza, it was delicious.
* — This review also comes equipped with a fun mini-​game: Guessing which dvd aisle I glanced through. Wow, if that’s not an invite to receive a whole bunch of gay accusations, I don’t know what is. Gah, bad idea!