Five Alarm Wings

Was in the mood for wings and I found this place.
Was interested in their five alarm wings since they had a shelf full of giant awards they’ve claimed from Wing Festivals.
The wings were large and meaty, very generous with portions as well.
First of all, the five-alarm’s will make you cry like a little girl. At first the taste is absolutely unbelievably delicious. About a minute or 2 after you finish, it starts hitting you. Get some chocolate milk or yoghurt, because it will burnnnnnn.
But I couldn’t get enough of it, I just wanted more and more. I don’t know what it was, but something about their sauces kept drawing me back.
Great dry and marinated selections, fast service, and friendly service. Will definitely return!
Definite ⁷⁄₅.

Having heard of this place a while back, I finally ventured to ordering from them. First to note was the genuine happiness of the girl taking my order. I could hear her smile over the phone, and she addressed me by my first name. Very polite indeed! Although I was promised 45 minutes, it was closer to 80 minutes before they arrived. They were still quite piping hot though!
I ordered the Five Alarm Buffalo, and the Dragon Powder. The first Dragon Powder had me sent back to the kitchen for more water. Spicy! But DELICIOUS. Mildly sweet, with a bite of fire. The second one wasn’t so bad, and I only had a few moments of panic when things got heated. The garlic toast, although somewhat wimpy, became vital to my survival. Once I had finished the Dragons, I moved on to the Buffalo. Now, perhaps it was silly of me to jump into a suicide sauce at a location before testing, but I felt like eating something hot. The Five Alarm Buffalo were hot. Like, FUCKING HOT. The first one sort of burned a bit, but by the second one, I had to stop eating for a bit. The second session was a bit easier, probably due to being somewhat numb from the first few. By the time I had finished, my stomach was warm, I was crying, blowing my nose every few minutes, and my mouth was tingling like a mother-​bitch. Even now, about an hour later, I’m still quivering and sweating like a freshly shaved albino squirrel.
[EDIT]
The next day, I am seriously in a heap of shit. My stomach hurts, I keep farting out vapourized sulfuric acid, and I’ve gone to the bathroom so many times that it feels like someone took a belt sander to my hoop.