Chemicafe

Lots of health food restaurants claim to offer food that is «chemical free» but upon closer inspection, it’s pretty clear their food is still made of chemicals. I’ve found so called chemical-​free restaurants offering items laced with dihydrogen oxide (toxic if consumed in sufficient quantities or inhaled), retinal (a dangerous polyene chromophore that can accumulate in your liver), and sodium chloride (sodium is a toxic metal capable of starting fires and chlorine is used by rogue nations for chemical warfare). I don’t even want to get into how much formaldehyde (a known human carcinogen) is ignorantly served up in an average beetroot salad!
As the leading health expert of our time Vani «Food Babe» Hari advises «There is just no acceptable level of any chemical to ingest, ever.“[1]
Toronto diners trying to follow Food Babe’s sage advice and worried about a truly chemical free diet will be pleased to find Chemicafe has opened a venue in Toronto’s savvy Liberty Village. Chemicafe truly understands chemicals are ubiquitous and unavoidable in our modern society and tries to offer a temporary respite from our chemical-​saturated foods and environment.
First time diners here can find the menu a little intimidating and I was happy to let owner Cervantes Haber guide my dining choices. We started with a wonderful sampling plate featuring a chef’s selection of the four fundamental forces. For $ 8.75 I got two weak force spring rolls, a rich gravity slider, and a generous slab of electromagnetism naturally sourced via a dry rubbing process. For a main, I tried a bowl of heat ($ 14.95). I asked Haber if there was any sodium chloride free crackers to go with my bowl of heat but he cautioned even sodium chloride free crackers were made from tetraploids made to express dwarfing genes. Put that way, well, yeah. No thanks.
On tap, Chemicafe offers various domestic and imported muon or tau neutrinos ($ 6 for a pint or $ 18 for a pitcher). I asked for an imported pint of tau neutrinos called Super Dry Kamiokande (a Japanese craft neutrino). As many people know, there’s an art and science to pouring a well-​travelled tau neutrino just right. Mess it up and you get a lot of electron neutrino crud mixed in. Bar tender Hank Bethe (who proudly displays a gold Swedish bartending medal next to his framed Phd in theoretical mixology) fortunately got it just about right.
For dessert I tried a wonderful Russian plasma torus confectionary called a tokamak ($ 32,000,000,000.95 each). With each bite, as you pierce the tokamak’s magnetic field lines, the rich, decadently sweet plasma bursts into your mouth.
If you don’t have time for a full, sit down chemical free meal, you can grab a seat at the reiki table. A third degree reiki chef will skillfully conjure up an express meal of pure qi. Your qi comes served via your choice of organic charka or you can have it as a po’ boy.
Chemicafe accepts both bitcoin and Linden Dollars.
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