Cedar Trees

I don’t have allergies.
{ crickets chirping }
Cedar smells all right, but if you have to remove one, you’re bound to be annoyed by the root structure. They’re pretty hard to dig out. So, I’ll ding you a star for that.
The prickliness of cedar shrubs makes them perfect for keeping pesky youngsters off your lawn as well. The only downside is that they’re prickly if you ever need to move one.
You know what else? They’re cute when people dress them up as Christmas trees in December. Cute, I tell you. Cute.

«Oh cedar makes your life wheezier…»

Dear Cedar,
I hate your stinking guts.
You make me sneeze (and my mouth itch).
You are the snot running from my nose.
Fuck you,
Quani
*and I’m writing what I’m thinking, unlike Alfalfa.

Dear Cedar Trees,
Fuck you I hate you
This shit will not stand very long
Before I take pills
Although, I do love cooking with you.

«I really wanted to like this place…»
Cedar, you are an A-​Hole.
You make me sick, and you make my kid sick, and then he gets all whiny and shit, and then he misses school, and falls behind on school work and homework, and then decides to drop out of school, and then the only place he can work is at mcdonalds, but he has never eaten there, and they discover he is a vegan, and so they fire him, so he moves out of my basement and under a bridge, and now he’s homeless, and eating out of trashcans, and then he gets the idea to rob someone, but it turns out it’s an undercover policeman, so he gets caught because he is not that smart, since he dropped out of middle school, so his life of crime was short lived, but at least he has a bed, because he is in prison.
Way to go, Cedar Tree, my kid is someone’s prison bitch because of you.

Fun Fact you’ve never heard #1: If you’re mountain biking in Cedar Trees and you scratch your arm on one, the scar NEVER goes away.
Fun Fact #2: They sound really mellow as a guitar.

You fuck me in my ass 3 months out of the year. I thought I had you beat with some naturopathic shit. I was wrong. Pray to your merciless God that I don’t get my hands on a flamethrower. I am praying for a rampant wildfire.

Cedar trees, my darling cedar trees. You continue to break my heart.
Being near you brings tears to my eyes. I can’t breath and endure constant sneezing.
I can’t get you out of my head. I wake up in the morning, aching from the pressure pain in my head. I try to drown my pain in drugs, but alas, the memory and presence of you remains.
It’s just not going to work out, you and I. I feel no ill will towards you, but i need to think about my eyes, head, and throat. I need to do this for me…
It’s not you, it’s me– and I’m sorry, being around you is too painful for this sensitive woman. So I must keep my distance, as much as I possibly can.

Perhaps cedars are just another example of the yen and yang of life that is hard to understand.
Pros:
Cedars smell good
Cedars repel a myriad of bugs
Cedars look pretty
Cedars give people in Cedar Park something to talk about
Cedars give people an excuse to get high on allergy meds
Cedars have strong reproductive drive
Cons:
Cedars mess people up real bad
Cedars make people get high on allergy meds against their will
Cedars are hated by millions
Cedars have strong reproductive drive
We’re back to square one.

No thanks, I don’t drink beer and Whitney doesn’t like you.
Oh wait, you’re a tree not a door.
Now why don’t people like you again?

If I could give cedar 5 stars* I would.
*Stars filled with dusty turds, with all 25 star points sharpened, along with razor edges, and seasoned with rotten bull testicles, then garnished with dog fur that has been tossed in a life-​ending arsenic vinaigrette.

Cedar trees are the devil.
Evil I tell ya.
Eeeeeeeee-​vile!
If I could, I’d chase them out of town with an angry mob all hopped up on antihistamines and other assundry medicines.

When I was younger and living in rural Texas, my rancher dad told me amusedly that Northeners were actually paying for some of his rancher friends to import mesquite trees, the vile filth weed Kudzu-​like tree that takes over land across the Southwest, to their locations because they thought they were attractive and useful.
Well, at least mesquite trees can be used to smoke BBQ. What are cedar trees good for?
–making your closet less attractive to moths
–creating chests out of cedar 2x4s
–grilling salmon on planks
all of which I would happily do without if I could just eliminate the motherfucking cedars and their hellchild pollen forever. if they go missing in a Dr. Who-​style plot, you can go ahead and blame me and my cedar-​manipulating interplanetary device cloaked beneath the Moon Towers of Austin**. You’ll never get there in time, Matt Smith.
**I haven’t slept in two days…
***double edit because I forgot the cedar detrius north of us isn’t even good for the above cedar duties. DAMN YOU FOGGY BRAIN.

Zero stars.
I have a dream. It is to invent a herbicide that reverses the photosynthesis within juniper trees and uses that energy to cause each and every one of these sumofabitches it touches to die, wither, and disentegrate.
Why is this you ask? Because the juniper really has no redeeming value and the Hill Country is LOUSY with them:
1.) they are a poor firewood,
2.) they are a poor landscape plant,
3.) they are a poor source of food for native animals,
4.) they are quite brittle and therefore poor wood for construction,
5.) they make most of us miserable in the best winter months of the year (o.k., maybe its only the males that spew pollen on warm winter days… for this reason maybe I only hate ½ of them),
6.) they consumes 25 – 50 gal of water PER DAY (ah HA! I KNEW there was a reason I hated ALL OF THEM bastages!)
Now…all I need is find a ‘like minded’ rich philanthroper-​dude/​dude-​ette and gig-​em together with the Aggies and make my dream come true!
No more clear-​cutting. No more burning. No more allergies! Hill country springs and streams re-​appear. It’s Utopia in the Hill Country once again!
So let’s hear it… WHO’s WITH ME???

Can’t write a detailed review — my eyes are itchy and watery and I keep sneezing.

How can you tell the difference between my mother and a cedar tree? The cedar tree only infiltrates my life from November-​March.
Seriously, though, getting in my business ²⁴⁄₇ is NOT COOL. No matter what I do, where I go, I am not safe. My eyes get itchy and watery, my nose leaks, I can’t breathe at night, etc.
Oh, and like over half the people in my office share the same sentiment, so it’s not like I can call in to work when the pollen count reaches over 20,000.
Do me a favor and cut yourself down.

Aww really? Cedars are nice and scruffy and they house little birds and they smell wonderful when you burn them. Pollen is a natural part of reproduction guys, nothing to be skittish about. You see, when the boy cedar tree falls in love with the girl cedar tree, he sends out all sorts of little microscopic particles to show the girl cedar tree how much he loves her and then little baby cedar trees are born.
Ok, I skipped that day in biology class but you get the idea.
While I’m a fan of Cedar Trees and reproduction in general, I’m not a fan of the pollen. Can one call in sick for the entire months of December and January?

One star is too many. Cedar Trees are the anti-​star.
Being made into a closet is too kind a fate for these aggressive, toxic, water-​hogging, pokey, verminesque, son-​of-​a-​grackle, hipster-​loving, bastard-​fluggeling, leprous-​barked, snot-​staining, pollen-​filled cankers on the butt of Austin.
I don’t know if you were sent by the devil or if you were cooked up in a secret laboratory in a conspiracy by the big pharmaceutical companies. Either way, I hope you die in a Christmas tree fire.

Are you the cause of my current misery? My eyes hurt, my sinuses feel like someone had a party and left me with the bill. Target brand Claritin, you are not making this any easier.

Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec, generic, name-​brand, local honey… it doesn’t work. The only cure for cedar fever is to leave Austin for 3 – 4 months out of the year. Their pollen is everywhere and there is nowhere to hide.
I’d rather be in traffic on I-​35 in a car full of Grackles then suffer like this.
These trees are ruining my life.
I hate you.