Discover the Dinos

Having a kid who is super-​into dinosaurs means that I was really excited to take him to Discover the Dinosaurs, an event that promised a dino dig and dino rides. The price was hefty: $ 28 for a child’s ticket and $ 24 for an adult (presumably because the adults wouldn’t be going in the bouncy houses?), plus parking. To break that down for you, it’s $ 127 for a family of four before you buy the extra stuff that admission doesn’t cover or souvenirs (more on that later).
The main exhibit was a few animatronic dinosuars. They didn’t do much. They nodded their heads and wagged their tails mostly. The dino dig was a sandbox. The dino rides could be compared to one of those quarter rides outside of the grocery store – one kid per ride with a line that stretched to infinity. My kids took one look and decided they could skip it, and they’re not the type to skip anything.
Our next stop was the dinosaur crap store, which was tables piled with plush dinosaurs. You are actually forced to go through it on your way to the bouncy house area, so if you go, be prepared to shell out for a stuffed animal or withstand a tantrum when you refuse to part with even more of your money.
And speaking of which, the bouncy house area contained three attractions that required tickets that were not included in the admission price: a mining experience, a panning-​for-​gold experience (because dinosaurs=wild west?) and face painting. The line for the face painting looked like the DMV. For an event that advertised on TV and the radio, you’d think they would have more than two slow-​ass face painters. My daughter wanted her face painted, but between the epic line (which they said was 30 minutes but was much longer, confirmed by a harassed-​looking woman who had at least 20 families in front of her and said she’d already waited longer than that) and the extra cost, I told my daughter that I’d paint her face for her when we got home and now she looks like a tiger and I don’t feel the need to murder anyone.
At the bouncy house area, a guy in charge told my son that he was too tall for one of the houses, even though there were at least 6 children in line that were as tall or taller. When I pointed this out to the guy, he said that those kids were waiting with little brothers and sisters. I asked him how he could possibly know that without asking them, as several more ridiculously tall children slipped by into the line. He had no good answer and I assumed he had a mall cop thing going on after four days of the dinosaur expo and simply decided to move on.
The final insult was the mini-​golf. You guys, they didn’t even try. The holes were slapped down willy-​nilly, and the area peppered with disembodied dinosaur heads that seemed to mock me. «Ha ha, we have your $ 108 dollars,» they seemed to say. «You have wasted your family’s hard-​earned dollars and probably shouldn’t be in charge of buying anything else, ever.»
The same money gets you into the Field Museum, where, even on its worst day, never makes you feel like a sucker. Avoid Discover the Dinosaurs the way a third grade boy avoids soap.
You are welcome.