Thirsty Turtle

I haven’t actually been here but there was a stabbing recently, and they’ve had their liquor license revoked. You know what’s cool about a bar without a liquor license? Oh, nothing.

The Thirsty Turtle, I must say is a joke of a bar. In fact, I dare say that the clientele consists entirely of drunk girls looking for a one night stand, douchey bros. looking to score a skank for the night, and the misguided freshman/​sophomores who get a kick out of going to a second rate bar with a crappy fake I.D. Did I mention that there was a STABBING recently?
The venue is absolute crap. There are empty beer bottles, cans, shot glasses and other miscellaneous fluids, both bodily and alcoholic on the floors, toilets, and chairs.
Turtle does however have large space. There are 2 floors, both fully equipped with a bar (fully stocked with old, rude, sketchy and and above all else oafish bartenders) and a dance floor (usually covered in filth).
The second floor even has a stage, (which is usually overrun with drunken, half-​naked co-​eds). It is sad to say, but one really can’t appreciate the size due to the DOZENS of underage college kids smothered against the walls trying to cop-​a-​feel. This causes awkward interactions with different objects, both living and inanimate.
As one might expect from a piss poor excuse of a bar, everything is dirt cheap. Watered down rails are 2 bucks a pop and a brew will cost you a dollar. Therefore, pregaming is a must, trust me, sobriety will only make this place even worse. There is a 5 dollar cover, and I’m pretty sure that my 10 year old cousin could get in with a hand-​drawn picture of a cat, so all ages are WELCOME!!!
If you are a guy who usually gets NO play… this is your spot! The girls are ripe for the picking, and looking for some action, so keep at it! If you are a girl, who likes to dress like a hooker then you will fit right in! (just don’t get mad if you get hit on.)
I would definitely use Turtle as a last resort on a boring Friday/​Saturday night if passing through College Park… or if you are looking for some cheap late night action, but don’t get mad if you catch something!
Basically, if you are looking for an cheap yet semi entertaining evening, then come here. Make sure to bring some friends and head upstairs for «drink» and enjoy drunk kids with no rhythm try to dance!

This place is definitely fun but very trashy the kind of place where one night stands happen left and right and fights are almost unavoidable. If you hate «bros» this is not the place for you. The huge plus is that beer and alcohol are extremely cheap. Also be cautious when talking to someone they could be 18 or younger. I’ve seen a white girl get in with a black persons ID lmao.

Thirsty Turtle is the biggest joke to hit College Park. In order for this place to be fun, you need to be absolutely sloshed.
First of all, having an ID to get in is more of a «suggestion» rather than a requirement. Basically, if you have a pulse and an ID of any kind, you’re in. My black friend got in with an Asian girl’s ID. Just have your $ 5 ready out. This means that Turtle has essentially carved its niche as the freshman/​sophomore/​high school bar.
If you are a guy and you want ass, go to Turtle. Never has hooking up been so easy. Go to the upstairs dance floor, creep up behind a girl, and start grinding. If at first you don’t succeed, another time or two and you should find someone. If you don’t feel taking her home for whatever reason, no problem. You can basically hook up right on the dance floor or against the wall. You can even be the ugliest motherfucker alive and find someone to take home. Shwing!
Another turtle requirement: girls must wear as little clothing as possible. It doesn’t matter what the temperature is. On the coldest day of winter, you better have your tunic-​top-​made-​into-​a-​dress and high heels on. There is no excuse for not dressing like a skank.
Because anyone can get in, the place is often mobbed– I’ve seen the line as long as Marathon Deli around the corner. Thus, if you do get in, don’t expect to get near the bar. There have been times where I’ve stood at the bar 25 minutes before being helped. The wait is not worth the watered down drink. A hardcore pregame is a requirement when going to Turtle. If you physically made it to Turtle without being carried, you probably didn’t pregame hard enough.
If you come during the day when it is empty, the food is pretty good and they have decent happy hour specials. Unfortunately, they seem to be unstaffed during these times so service isn’t very good.
In sum, if you are under 21 and have a crappy fake, come here. Guys– if you are over 21 and trying to get some under 21 action, eureka!

I’ve never felt as old as I did when I came to have beers here after a football game this past fall.
It’s terribly sad that they replaced Lupo’s with this garbage-​can of a place. The friendly service and fun clientele from Lupo’s seems to have disappeared. This seems to have turned into THE hangout for douchebags, freshmen, short people, ugly girls and pink-​polo-​collar-​poppers hang out. Lastly– what’s with calling the place Thirsty Turtle and having nothing Turtle-​y about it at all?!

$ 5 cover to experience UMD’s finest douche-​bags and skanks. The bartenders are lousy and will often rudely demand tips for pulling you out a bottle of beer and taking your money (I’d be tempted to tip if they didn’t rudely ask for it). The dance floor is crowded and disgusting.
The only positive experience I have had is they have some good deals during happy hour, compared to their normal prices, and usually (except for Friday happy hours) you can find a table or spot at the bar.

$ 5 cover: LOL
Watered down drinks
crappy DJ
bartenders who are assholes
overcrowded dance floor
you can expect to drop $ 30 a night for the above shit

Known as the easiest place to get into on Rt. 1. Pretty good happy hour specials like $ 3 burger and fries. Dance floor upstairs gets pretty crazy during the school year, but is usually closed during the summer. Music is okay. They used to have $ 1 pitcher nights on Tuesdays, now $ 2 pitchers. Their website lists their specials.
To the other reviewers — you’ve gotta keep in mind that this is a COLLEGE TOWN before coming here! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

what a SHITHOLE!!! this place is HUGE but its filled with the douchebags and sluts of umd! it’s a damn college bar, why the hell are you half naked like you’re going to a fancy club in nyc in 20 below weather?! it’s not cute.

LOL.
Fire hazard.

This place is WACKKKKKKK. First off it is basically a teen bar that serves alcohol. Well they claim they serve alcohol. The drinks are awful, taps suck for draft beer, always in a plastic cup and mixed drinks are in basically a small dixie cup I use when I brush my teeth. Because the cups are so small i don’t think any alcohol makes it in because it is busy fighting with the ice. Also no lime with vodka tonic or club– so right there they cannot be considered legit.
On a busy night you wait 20 – 30 minutes and then go upstairs to the overcrowded dance floor, to then get a drink spilled on you by someone because it is packed. The food is nothing special the bartenders are inconsiderate and don’t take care of ya even if you tip big. CSTONE and FE forever Turtle is WACK

Formerly known as Lupos, was my favorite bar in College Park.
After shutting down for a year or so, it finally reopened as Thirsty Turtle.
Hard to believe, but its even better and still my fav. I wish they didn’t get rid of the pool table though, but at least they have a bigger dance floor and a stage for live bands.