Palmer’s Cocoa Butter

I just revived my long dead acting career to star in the direct-​to-​Netflix film Kickboxer 6: The Revenge of Tong Po with Rob Van Dam (no relation to Jean Claude). It’s been more than a decade since I qualified for a State Championship… in drama… and even longer since I practiced martial arts, but only one of them returns like riding a bicycle. I had to retrain by pulverizing bricks into ash, kicking boards into splinters or in other words making a real mess of Home Depot. I developed hamburger hands. Dry, cracked, and calloused and the only remedy was Palmer’s Cocoa Butter.
Much like Curley from of Mice and Men whom wore a «glove fulla Vaseline» to keep his boxing hands soft for his wife, I had to keep my fists in fighting shape. Just one post practice application per day made my knuckles and palms silkier than an Indian wedding party.
Many of my co-​stars complain that their erratic schedules make their girlfriends irritable and less likely to be intimate. I sent them all gift baskets of PCB with a note demanding they follow three easy steps –
1. Ask her if she wants a massage (they always say yes)
2. Get intimate
3. Leave baby behind
Once that child is born reverse the damage you’ve done by smoothing out those stretch marks with the leftovers Palmer’s. You’re welcome.
Let’s face it gentlemen we all got our grooming tips from Snoop Dogg’s Lodi Dodi and ran out to get Costco-​sized «Johnson’s baby powders and Cool Water colognes» but that wasn’t sound advice. Snoop didn’t consider aging, manual labor or weather into his beauty equation but I do. When you wear a suit the only visible parts are faces and hands so let’s give equal attention to both. You’ll be giving better and more frequent handshakes, «massages» and knockout punches in no time.