Redbox

Perhaps one of the most genius business models of all time, Redbox simultaneously reduces your self esteem, hooks you into addiction-​worthy continual usage, and practically tunnels directly into your bank account for a hefty weekly withdrawal.
Let me explain.
The allure of $ 1 a night video rentals sucks you in. Blockbuster, I’m pretty sure, is now charging $ 34.50 to rent a DVD for one night, or something equally as absurd, and if you are ten minutes late returning it, they make you watch «Miss Congeniality» without an airsickness bag.
The farse of the $ 1/​night DVD rental (with no late fees!!!) is that nobody ever in the history of all time has been able to return a Redbox DVD within 24 hours. 3 days later it’s still in your DVD player, on the counter by your door, or on the front seat of your car. And that’s when the self loathing begins.
You can’t even return a fricking DVD, you worthless piece of shit??? What is the matter with you?
You reason back with yourself to calm down, it’s only a dollar. But now you just paid $ 3 to watch Little Fockers, and the self-​hatred rises.
By the time you finally remember to return the damn movie, to a Redbox that is conveniently open 24 HOURS A FREAKING DAY, you’ve paid twice as much for the DVD rental as you would have at Blockbuster. In fact, you probably could have purchased the DVD at Best Buy for less.
But does that stop you from doing it again? No!!! You’re like, but it’s only a dollar.
No, it’s not only a dollar, you freaking idiot. It WOULD BE only a dollar if human beings were capable of returning a DVD within 24 hours, which they are not. You are a worthless turd, you’ve been duped by the crimson box, and now they send you text messages every other Monday with a free rental code which saves you one fucking dollar. So never mind that you have work to do or need to go to the gym. Drive 50 miles to the Redbox, rent a DVD FOR FREEE!!!, and then return it two weeks later and owe $ 13 for that «free» rental of Saw III.
If your self esteem isn’t low enough already, just wait. One of these days you’ll rent a movie, justified by the fact that it’s ONLY A DOLLAR, and will not have time to watch it, and also forget to return it. You’ll end up paying $ 7 to rent a DVD that you never even watched. And then you’ll probably rent it again next month since you’ve never seen it.
Self esteem balloon: 0
Redbox: 1
Don’t do it to yourself. I’m telling you. If you’re bored, just go document all your stretch marks, look at pictures of supermodels in bikinis, watch «Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader» and try to answer the questions, or try to fit into your skinny jeans. These things will make you feel less crappy about yourself than using Redbox, and they are way cheaper.