Secret Kebab

id tell you but it’s a secret!

Turk, your falafel has BOOM BOOMed straight to my heart.
A lot of people already know the story of Secret Kebab, but I’ll explain it for those that don’t. Secret Kebab started as a delivery only service where you could e-​mail or tweet The Turk your order, and some of his minions would meet you by bicycle with however many kebabs you specified. He only delivered in Northeast Portland from 6−8pm, or until he ran out of kebabs (which he often did).
Just the other day, The Turk made the following tweets:
«Who will wish the lamb for lunch?! Begins this week you can have north park blocks close on bocce ball field! BOOM BOOM!!»
«BOOM BOOM! Tomorow lunch kebab and falafel 11am downtown #PDX! You will love a lamb! Here is map link Google!
«
I found myself in downtown PDX that day, so I decided to check the place out. I went over to the Bocce courts and saw a shady looking fellow standing next to a mini van with some money in his hands. I went over and asked him «how much for kebabs?» and he gave me a peculiar stare and had no idea what I was talking about.
Did The Turk run out of his kebabs? Let’s go to twitter and find out:
«@MattD The man is cooking! Look on sign for @KitchenCru! Door open!!»
So I went over to the Kitchen Cru building and was greeted by two not-​so-​Turkish looking fellows cooking up food. They politely seated me and I ordered the falafel (I’m a sucker for good falafel), some Ayran (a yogurt drink like Indian mango lassi, just not sweet) and some Saç Börek (a crêpe-​textured handpie stuffed with seasoned mustard greens). When sitting at the bar, you get to watch the two guys cook all of your dishes from scratch. The pita bread was hand rolled and cooked fresh and the falafels were rolled up and deep fried on the spot. This sort of freshness really shines through to the final product.
I must say, while a lot of restaurants really seem to mess up falafel by making it too dry, Secret Kebab did not. I can honestly say that this is the best falafel I have ever had in my life. The outside was crunchy but not burnt, the inside was soft and had a wonderful flavor, and the pita was absolutely mind blowing. All of this was topped with tahini, some type of red beet sauce, and carrots.
Next, the Ayran. It was a bit of a shock at first because I wasn’t expecting it to not be sweet, but the creaminess of the drink with a slight sour lacto flavor perfectly complimented the falafel.
Finally, the Saç Börek. I had never even heard of this dish, but I did enjoy it immensely. It was a simple dish, but the quality of the ingredients really shined through on it. The texture on the dough was PHENOMENAL.
It was one of the most memorable meals I’ve had in some time, so I’ll definitely be making my way back next week. Especially for the price of this dish. All of that stuff that I mentioned came to a grand total of $ 8! I don’t understand how you do this, Turk!

Brilliant marketing from a man who can bring the MEAT! We had our kebebs delivered about a half hour after we were expecting it – but once we tasted the stuff — we were in culinary heaven, no complaints and worth the wait! — these are not typical kababs, they mix perfectly cooked lamb with authentic turkish delights (not the dessert variety) like fresh pita and a sauce that wont quit — for hours! OMG. SATISFYING! Our lovely delivery man with the utmost customer service skills explained that he was in a hurry to get the rest of the kebabs out to all the saturday customers, nice!
– I bet they sold out tonight, if not, I want the left overs! I love you, TURK!!!- My only suggestion would be to offer a version with less onion and garlic — but would would it taste as heavenly??? WE WILL suggest to friends and I hope to the gods that this man caters — xoxo Kristina

So, there we were, leaning against the chainlink fence of the U-​Haul rental place in the dark at 30^th & Killingsworth. I was absentmindedly fumbling with the wad of cash in my pocket and trying to anticipate what the delivery guy would look like.
Turns out a guy walking around with a bright red insulated pizza delivery bag kinda stands out.
Maitre D. muttered «Sweeeet…» under his breath, and the delivery guy immediately headed toward us.
«Kebabs?»
“Aw, yeah.” I hand him $ 15.
He pockets it and shoves a non-​descript brown paper bag at me before disappearing into the night. Maitre D. and I walk back to the car feeling like we have a bagful of contraband. We immediately broke into them and were treated to homemade pita bread wrapped around juicy, wood-​smoked, medium-​rare lamb. Perfectly spiced and incredible.
The only way to get them is to join the Secret Kebab group on Facebook or to follow The Turk’s mysterious and slightly shady Twitter feed. He is enigmatic and will make Portlandia jokes to you in slightly-​broken English.
It is awesome.
Most days, delivery starts at 6 pm, and he is sometimes sold out before this just based on preemptive orders sent to him by e-​mail. Kebabs are $ 5 each and delivery is $ 3. (BOOM!) Plans to roll out falafel are on the table, too. It is yet to be seen whether he’ll be taking consistent days off every week since deliveries started a few days ago.
I trust you, dear readers, to use this information wisely!