FML Bistro

Oh FML. Bistro, that is.
If you’ve read the other reviews, you’ve probably figured this place as somewhat of a quandry. Is it bullshit? Or is it legit? The simple answer: Yes.
My visit here was by invite only. Given that the owner is pretty vocal about certain things (e.g., showing up on time — who does that anyway?) I had hesitations on whether or not I should RSVP. I certainly didn’t want to upset the owner with my infamous ability to be late but I’m a masochist. So I reserved.
When my partner in crime & I arrived, we took off our shoes (per sign on door) and walked in. Alright, so I forgot to mention: not only did we bring some Cupcake Vineyard moscato to the joint, but we also had to bring our own chairs. What the hell kinda shit is that? Well, at least we didn’t have to cook so I suppose I’ll let that go.
After more people started coming in (did the entire neighborhood show up?), we finally got to eat. I loved how the pizza rolls were somewhat cleverly disguised with lines of questionable white sauce. The salad was good as was the breakfast sausage/​egg thing. My favorite: the mango stuff. Don’t ask me what was in it because that was the name, «Mango Stuff». All I know is there was mango in it. But it was freakin hella good with Ritz crackers. The owner made sure to point out so matter-​of-​factly it was my Asian side that was digging it. I couldn’t argue with her. I’m telling you — she’s pretty straight up so if you’re ever invited, be prepared! It’s sorta like going to Dick’s Last Resort except you’re getting berated for free.
Oh and not sure if the FMLB practices the whole ‘sign the guest book in the bathroom’ thing all the time or if it was just for this occasion, but make sure you fill it out and sign it. Feel free to sit on the owner’s bed while doing it too — I should have but instead kept other patrons from coming in because I was preoccupied with the book. *Insert pee dance here*
In all seriousness though, it was a mind-​blowing experience. I was lucky to have been invited. My hat’s off to you, owner! I loved it and look forward to a return. ;)

The sheer audacity that this place would throw such a lavish soirée and require people to bring their own libations, I almost left, but my morbid curiosity got the best of me and I stayed. To make matters worse we had to serve ourselves as the hostess just yelled «Lets eat bit@$es!!». I had to pour my own damn drinks! Unacceptable! I skipped the food as dining on paper plates is for the poor! The food looked like it had been sitting out for weeks, there was all sorts of green shit in it. Lets not talk about the random tiny bowl of nuts.
Next was the entertainment. What self loathing business owner allows people to discuss such horrible atrocities aimed at humanity! I was deeply offended. The hostess just smiled laughed like it was just a game. You can’t discuss the KKK or Auschwitz in front of those people, it’s just not kosher.
By this point my teeth were floating due to the poorly mixed mimosas and cheap wine. So I ventured into that bathroom. First let me say it was really uncomfortable having to trek thru the red-​light room to get to the bathroom, I felt like a rat in a maze afraid to touch anything for fear of virgin pregnancy. I mean really who provides their patrons with such a lavish pristine convenience! I suspect the virgin Mary herself might be proud to take a dump in there! It was really a slap in the face after the poor service and racism going on in the dining area. I can’t imagine how it stays all sparkly white after the abuse it must receive from that soup kitchen food. There was even a roll of paper towels by the sink! Who does that??? Ohh and that guest book, how offensive to ask people to fill out such filth, requiring that you wash your hands! Seriously!
Parking was a total nightmare! I had to lock my vehicle to a pole to prevent it from being stolen! Be warned the secured covered parking is for the toilet attendant only! The patrons are left to chance it on the streets in the hood! Don’t even bother with the valet, you’ll never get your car back!
I personally think I should receive a full refund for brunch! It was quite the experience.
I can’t wait to go back and give the owner a piece of my mind!

Well, it’s San Antonio, and it’s how you feel about «quirky.» For an Asian-​fusion place, FML Bistro sure does a lot of quinoa. I wouldn’t say the service is inattentive, it just comes in bursts — you’re either the center of their entire universe, or they’re off with other customers. Be patient and go with the flow. Incidentally, you remove your shoes before entering and sign a guestbook in the bathroom. That’s different.
In a nice way, I think FML Bistro is a metaphor of daily life: Are we only comfortable now with stuff that neatly conforms with expectations? Or can we still be open to the tiniest bit of surprise and unexpected? Of course it’s handy to categorize everything we know now as either good or bad, but sometimes I do miss the occasional «Wut?» moment.
Well, this place is a definite wut moment: It’s literally a stone’s throw from downtown SA, the parking is easy, and they require reservations. When I was there, bottles of sparkling wine were being popped open every ten minutes or so, the sure sign of a happy crowd. Then again, maybe this place just likes popping open bottles of sparkling wine every ten minutes or so. It’s really hard to tell with FML Bistro. And I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m a fan.

First time dining here. Great food and hospitality. Definitely coming back! Loved the ambiance of the restroom. So clean!

This place is one of those places that should be on the travel channel for ALL the wrong reasons.
It is the most unkempt b&b/hostel/diner/microwave-reheat monstrosity that I can think of.
I don’t understand why those other guests would give five stars to old Hello Kitty sheets, frozen food served with store brand ranch dressing and a bathroom you have to go through the owner’s living quarters to assume.
The pros? Uh, the amazing host. Premium grade toilet paper. And easy access to actual businesses that take credit card.
The cons, you won’t be able to search it by «bad ass places in Southtown.» Or in King William. Or searchable at all. Maybe it’s the fake poo that’s a staple on the hostess stand? Is that offensive? Who knows these days…
Better bookmark this b.

Okay so my first time at FML Bistro was definitely an experience.
I arrived after dinner hours but the hostess was still very welcoming. (Besides the whole «take your shoes off» thing.) I was immediately offered a delectable menu consisting of hometown favorites, including «Toast-​inos» (cute recreation of Totino’s Pizza Rolls), two-​day old Krispy Kreme donuts, leftover cheesecake (although I had requested cheese STEAK, it was lovely cheesecake), and to drink a $ 60 whiskey. I passed on the whiskey but did notice that it was served in a lovely Makers mark glass with an ice ball (my second indication of 5-​star service). The hostess proceeded to inquire of whether or not we wanted to choose our own music (what amazing ambiance!). So of course my party selected the number one hit «Wop» by J.Dash. This certainly set the mood for our after-​dinner activity of playing bridge. Oh wait I’m sorry I believe it was a game titled Cards Against Humanity. Very classy game indeed.
In conclusion, if you love chunks of dead prostitutes riddled with AIDS, this is your place. Five stars all the way!

Just had to be there.
*Update 01/​09/​2014*
After a brief moment of reflection I have decided to make a revision to my former review that was obviously lacking the level of detail necessary. I’m about to drop some sensory bombs on your shit and break it down like a community college syllabus.
Location: 5 stars (I like to live on the wild side)
— While some may say this neighborhood is frightful and hood-​rich, I prefer to see it as quaint and adventurous. Jogging to your car, keys in hand, is good for your cardiovascular system and keeps you alert and aware of your surroundings. Just make sure you get that parking validated! Taking chances is one thing but let’s not be reckless here.
Service: 5 stars (Colorful language excites my inner masochism)
— I have to say I really enjoy the random quirkiness of this bistro. Depending on the time you arrive and the amount of alcohol that has been consumed by the patrons, owner included, you could be walking into a BYOB, BYOF, or GTFO establishment or one that even the highest class restaurant in France couldn’t hope to match. In the event you stop in at closing time, you should be prepared to also provide some sustenance for the owner as well. The contents do not matter as long as a small non-​transformers gift accompanies your offering.
Atmosphere: 5 stars (Perfect for that romantic getaway)
— This location has a real, home sweet home, feel to it and the Asian theme is certainly present throughout the entire establishment. During my first visit I was greeted by the surly owner with many colorful pleasantries and told to make myself at home. After the owner prepared my Hello Kitty themed lodging for the evening I promptly settled in for the night and was serenaded to dream land by another patron taking advantage of one of the many generous furnishings available. I considered rating this part of the review at a solid 4 stars due to the owners belongings that were haphazardly strewn about but all was made well after waking to a small refund next to my pillow and the offer of a delicious coffee and «pop-​tart» from another local establishment.
This Bistro certainly has a perfect blend of character and charm for anyone looking for the perfect location to enjoy a night-​cap and in the event you have just a little too much fun there are furnishings available to rest your weary eyes until you can continue on your travels the next day.
⁵⁄₅ stars. Will definitely return!