White Creamy Liquids

Okay, I must admit that Jared’s review is mostly true, MOSTLY. Cottage Cheese cannot be lumped in a crowd with liquid fatty cholesterol (mayonnaise and ranch dressing). This, albeit funny looking, food is just down right good, alone or with fruit.
And what of lasagna favorite ricotta cheese, will you add that to your list because of the limited uses it has or its dry flaky texture?
Please find room in your fridge for this misunderstood «bumpy» food, for cottage cheese is just good.
(Just don’t research how this shit is made.)

Jared and I are roommates, star-​crossed roommates who are undeniably compatible for the simple fact that there will be none-​zero-​zilch-​not a single bit of white creamy substances in our fridge.
I might add that there is one more addition to the list that I find especially putrid. Where I went to college, we had a pasta bar that would cook (aka stir fry) pasta on site with your choice of toppings. My friends would consistently choose this liquid or a combo of this liquid and marinara sauce. I couldn’t ever understand why one would consciously choose such a fattening, disgusting, stinky, and nasty consistency as a topping to an already carb-​loaded dinner of pasta, garlic bread and ice cream with cereal on top.
Their selection: Alfredo Sauce. Or, Vodka Sauce, Alfredo’s cousin, which is really just a hybrid of perfectly good marinara contaminated with Alfredo sauce.
Death to Alfredo!
PS It actually comes in a close second to Mayo. No contest that mayo is my número uno.

For my 60^th review, I want to discuss my strong, unequivocal disdain for white creamy liquids. There are a few exceptions which I will mention later, but for the most part… the smell and taste of these foods make me gag, vomit, gag some more and then lash out at the closest person on why anyone could possibly insist on eating these poor excuses for food.
There are several white creamy liquids that are on my hate list…
Cottage Cheese: you look disgusting. You are full of lots of little bumps and the white creamy color doesn’t help your cause. You taste like the bastard child of curdled milk and tapioca balls.
Mayonnaise: why does EVERY SINGLE SANDWICH SHOP insist on putting you on their breads? Did they ever think people may not like mayonnaise? Why not mustard? Shit, why not the juice from fish eye balls? I’d prefer that on my sandwich over you. Your popularity in American culture disgusts me. Go back to Sweden or wherever you came from.
Sour Cream: you’re an iffy one. I would never voluntarily put you on anything, but when you come on nachos (in small, non-​chunky doses), you can help balance out spicy jalapenos. But that’s the only time you’re okay. THE ONLY, you hear me?
Blue Cheese: I started writing but then threw up in the trash can near my desk.
But if I could get rid of one travesty in the world, it would not be poverty or dictatorships; it would not be inclement weather or scary diseases; it would not be Mitt Romney (although he’s a close second). It would be…
RANCH DRESSING.
The worst part of Ranch dressing is that people find the most asinine ways to incorporate this into their daily diets. It’s bad enough that it’s the most common choice of salad dressing, but I also see people eating it with pizza, BBQ wings, veggies, tofu, coffee, poop and ceiling tiles.
People, c’mon! It doesn’t taste good, it’s not healthy for you, it smells like butt and the texture is like eating baby vomit.
But since I’m one of the only people who feels this way, I continue to suffer in a world where I’m constantly compromising my eating and smelling values. Fine, world. Keep digesting your white creamy liquids. I’ll just sit here, gagging away for the rest of eternity.
**Exceptions: Caesar dressing, yogurt (but not fruit on the bottom… I hate opening that lid and seeing that white stuff floating on the top) and toothpaste.