Asefu’s Restaurant & Bar

This is not only the worst place in DC but it’s probably the worst place that has ever existed in the entire known and unknown universe and throughout all of human and pre-​human history.
It should be renamed «Asefu’s Sodomy Factory» because they will systematically use, abuse, and misuse every last aspect of your soul’s innocence. Asefu – what with the way you will be lured in here, spend money on nothing, and quickly egress – makes the ever-​efficient Henry Ford look like a crippled Geppetto, bumbling around with swollen thumbs crafting talking marionettes from blades of grass (an impossible task if you’ve ever attempted).
I came in here one Friday night about three weeks back and I left with a depressing view of DC nightlife. Not only did the bartenders take forever to make my jim beam and coke and my friend’s vodka and soda, but it almost seemed like they had a personal vendetta against us being there, like the owner instructs them to maximize the inconvenience inflicted upon their clientele as if the formula for a successful dc bar is so contrived that you only need to jack the prices and reduce the service in order to make a scene (and a profit, of course, I’m aware this is often a successful scheme).
I don’t blame them, I just find it sad that the entire market is so formulaic and soulless that it can be so easily mimicked, so effortlessly counterfeited by anyone who has visited bars in the city and has the capital to cash in on the plot. The problem with Asefu is that it lacks the fringe benefits, has none of the pseudo-​new industrial perks, the trendy details, or the first-​class hype machine. Perhaps this place exists only to mock the simplistic and inorganic nature of the area and, if so, it’s truly a brilliant machination crafted by some sarcastic sonofabitch who wants to mock the culture of capitalism in a capital deprived of culture.
I know we’re far from perfect and can use a little awakening but we don’t need Asefu coming here and taking the fight so directly to the burgeoning yuppies of eastern U Street. We prefer our exploitation to occur domestically, my friend.
We’re on to you and support your cause, Asefu, even if we don’t support your terrible bar…

1. Waitstaff is ALL high as balls.
2. No toilet paper… in either bathroom
3. No hot water… in either bathroom
4. No soap dispenser… in either bathroom (You have to dip your hands in a bowl of blue (Palmolive knock-​off?) watery soap).
5. To calculate the speed at which your (non-​cocktail) drinks will arrive, multiply the distance to the bar in centimeters x the number of drinks your table ordered x 5000. For cocktails, use the number 35,576.
6. Not that there is anyone cooking in the kitchen, but should your waitress tell you you can order food, and should you believe her, expect your wait to be as above for drinks raised to the power of 9.
7. Don’t worry, if you think you might pass out from hunger/​thirst/​rage, you’ll be far too captivated by the Lifetime movie featuring The Rock and a Bieber-​wannabe on the flatscreen to think about it.

This, my friends, is quite possibly one of the worst places in Washington, DC. My friends and I are quite often on 9^th Street for Ethiopian food, but rarely stray away from the usual spots: Zula, Habesha Market, and Sheshemane. Two nights ago we decide to get a little adventurous and try a place that we’ve never been before. We spot Asefu’s Restaurant on the west side of 9^th Street and decide to try it. What a TERRIBLE idea that was.
Upon entering, we were greeted by a very friendly bartender/​waitress. I’ll give them that much. The place was completely empty, save for a few very strange characters at the bar. Bad sign #1. As it was quite late into the evening, we asked her if the kitchen was still open. She ignored our question and insisted that we have a seat. Once we were seated, we asked again about whether or not they were serving food. She dodges the question and proceeds to take our drink order. Bad sign #2. That’s when we should have just gotten up and left, but we decided to stay and stick it out. It took her all of TEN MINUTES to bring drinks for 4 people. Bad sign #3.
When she finally made it to our table and served our drinks, I told her that we are going to need some menus. She then said, «well…I can just tell you what we have,» and then proceeds to list out random dishes! Bad sign #4! WTH! I make an order for a meat platter and a vegetarian combo platter.
Forty-​five minutes later, we still don’t have our food and the bartender/​waitress has yet to come check on us. I give them the benefit of the doubt in my head because freshly-​made Ethiopian food takes a long time to cook. I get up to go to the restroom and decide to peek my head into the kitchen. There wasn’t a single person in the entire kitchen, nor was the stove even on! Bad sign #5! I proceed to go to the restroom and the door doesn’t have a lock on it. Bad sign #6. Luckily nobody came barging in as I was using the toilet. I went to wash my hands and noticed that there wasn’t a soap dispenser — there was just a BOWL OF DISH SOAP sitting on the ledge of the sink. Bad sign #7. On the way back to the table, I peek my head into the kitchen once more and it was just as empty and quiet as the first time.
And now for the grand finale: another 20 minutes passes — that entire chunk of time our bartender/​waitress was outside smoking a cig. Bad sign #8. She comes back into the restaurant and sprints to the kitchen. My friend looks into the kitchen window and sees her dumping food from a Styrofoam container and onto a plate, presumably the plate that she was going to serve us. Bad sign #9. Blind with rage, I left a $ 10 bill on the table for our drinks and told my friends that we were ditching that disgusting excuse for a restaurant.
Do not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever consider going to Asefu’s Restaurant & Bar for anything. Ever.