HSBC – Fenchurch Street

In short: This has got to be the WORST bank branch I have ever experienced (including some pretty inefficient ones all over Europe, mind you).
The details: It all started off innocently: I applied for a passport account through their website.
2 weeks, no reply. So I called and was informed there is nothing they could do, I needed to wait for a letter (which never arrived).
In the meantime, I moved to London. I go to the branch, ready with UK council tax bill, a German utility bill and my passport.
The clerk makes copies of the utility bill and my passport, has me sign all kinds of forms and all seems well. Online banking details and my debit card would be sent to me soon.
Surely all must be well now.
I duly transfer funds into my UK account. 5 days later, the money is returned. The account number the clerk wrote down for me was wrong.
I call HSBC, get the correct number, transfer funds.
Surely all must be well now.
2 weeks, no card. So I call to find nothing has been ordered. And my account is set up with my German address. Could I come to the branch please?
Now that takes three trials. Queues are long and I start to have serious doubts when at trial no.2 the advisor cannot find my account in the system. After trying for 15 minutes, she asks whether I would mind queuing for another colleague who «might be better with the system». Finally, I make it to a clerk, sorry, «advisor», who manages to find me (yay!). And advises that my account is set up incorrectly, no card has been ordered and no they do not have my UK address. He needs to fix it. Fourty minutes later, I hurry to work. I am late, of course. But the card should arrive soon, they will call when it does.
But surely all must be well now.
Unfortunately, since I don’t have a card, I need to queue at the cashier’s to get my money. Since I go shopping on Saturday, that is when I enter HSBC Canary Wharf. Waiting time? 95 minutes. No, you must not leave the branch while you wait.
On Monday I call the branch. Yes the card is here. Noone called? Oh well.
I go there to pick it up. Two days later, the PIN arrives at my UK address.
Bliss. Surely all must be well now.
Two weeks later I receive a letter, forwarded from my overseas adress, dated 1.5 months prior (i.e. before I even came to the UK). They need proof of address. Ah, I think, this must be the initial letter which never arrived. Please consider null and void if provided in the meantime. I have provided everything so I consider null and void.
A week later I sit in a restaurant. My card doesn’t work. I go to the ATM, my card is withheld.
I go to the branch. I wait.
The very same guy who opened my account is there. First takes forever looking into my account, «I don’t understand, everything is fine». At long last, it emerges the utility bill I provided was not acceptable as, alas, bills issued outside of the UK tend not be in English. So the back office is closing my account. «I would have been informed about this repeatedly» PARDON? So what do they need? Proof of my German address, at which I don’t live anymore, in English. Now that may be a bit difficult…
After I point this out, it emerges they just might accept proof of my current UK address. Right.
Since I do not have a card now, I go to the cashier to withdraw money. The cashier gives me a strange look then disappears for 10 minutes. He returns to inform me a cheque has already been issued for the money on my account and I cannot make any withdrawals. I need to talk to an adviser. I say I have just spoken to an advisor, he did not mention the fact my funds were frozen.
I ask for the manager. I inform her I have at this point been in this branch for 1,5 hours talking to advisors who do not coordinate between themselves. I have promptly provided every documentation requested. I have sufficient funds on my account and am left on December 23 in the afternnoon without access to my money. She could not care less. Unphased, she sits me down — with a third clerk. «The lady would like to close her account.» Excuse me? I don’t really, this is where I started off 1,5 hours ago! She says I can’t get my money if I don’t close my account. I said thank you and walk out of the branch.
Run home, get my UK utility bill. Get that to the very first advisor, who initially openend my account. Here is proof of my UK address. Will this suffice? Yes. Can I get a new debit card? Yes, please sign here. When can I get access to my funds? Tomorrow morning.
I have been away from my desk for 3.5 hrs. But surely all must be well now.
Christmas passes, I go to the cashier with my passport, pick up money.
5 working days later I call HSBC. When could I pick up my debit card? None has been ordered. «Ms X, you have been informed repeatedly that we need photo ID from you». PARDON? Of course you have my photo ID! I have banked with you for two months now how can you not have a record of my photo ID?
«Well