Wortley Hall

Welcome to the 40-​watt hotel. Where you can check out anytime you like, but you can’t find the door to ever leave.
So last weekend I stayed in Wortley Hall hotel the night before a wedding. Unfortunately though the group were in great spirits there were a large number of things that just made this place unbearable.
Firstly the décor: The hotel section especially is in dire need of a full redecoration. Peeling wallpaper, smelly communal spaces and tatty carpets were found throughout. In fact the only place which seemed to have been looked after was our room, however despite the competently hung wallpaper there were still a few crucially lacking features, most importantly a safe (which we were told there would be for the wedding rings, meaning keeping them in someone else’s room overnight). The bathroom was a bizarre mess, simultaneously clean and dirty. The cheap lino stuck to our feet getting out of the laughably small showers with it’s semi-​functional door.
It is only fair to say that the house-​keeping had done a good job and everything was as immaculate as they could make it, so it’s not laziness, just dilapidation and incompetence.
Secondly the house-​staff: While one of the bar staff and the breakfast staff were very nice and pleasant they struggle to make up for the remaining staff. Upon arrival we were just stared at blankly during check-​in (not even a hello), during our evening in the bar the staff were slow and rude, one girl especially had a habit of announcing the prices while thrusting her hand over the bar and not making eye contact. «Five Ninety!» *thrust and look away bored*.
Thirdly the smell: I can’t comprehend exactly what is going on here but throughout the night we encountered a large variety of very unwelcome smells in the hotel. From a faint whiff of bowel movement in the corridors, to a mixture of urine and bleach in the bar, to a rather unfortunate vomit odour in one of the breakfast rooms. I can’t tell if this is a product of recent nights of the long encrusted truth of what happens at your average Wortley Hall bash, but it was unpleasant to say the least.
Lastly, the fixtures and fittings: This all culminates in the most bizarre feedback I could ever give to a hotel. The overwhelming impression that the entire building was appointed for the dwarves from Lord of the Rings. «What kind of a comment is that!?» I hear you ask. Well what else am I to think when all the mirrors are at a height of 4’6″ and all the light bulbs are so dim I think they actually produced darkness? This decision to make all the rooms the Gimli suite may we be deliberate («It was deliberate!») but that doesn’t make it any less a bad idea. Also, I though I did know Dwarves were natural sprinters, I didn’t know that they didn’t like condiments with their breakfasts. Not a jot of brown sauce, a dollop of ketchup, or heaven forbid a little piccalilli was on offer. Better get some beanjuice while you’re up!
The most saving of graces here are the grounds. Lovely, well kept and well described. I would only add this, go see them before someone sets up a bouncy castle or a sumo ring in them, which appears to be a daily occurrence around 11:30.