The Burgerie

* Dingy interior
* Some odd stuff going on with the cost of sauce: You get a first portion for free, then charged by measured instalments…
* But the tofu burger thing is AWESOME
* This despite the bun and simple fillings…
* I don’t know how it all works, but it does

Pretty much one of my favourite drunk stops (and hungover) stops on K rd. Cheap burgers. Definitely not the best meal you’ll ever have, but for $ 10 I can’t argue with 3 beef batties, 2 slices of bacon and a ton of cheese. It’s the most deliciously greasy burger, perfect if you’re in the mood for it. They’re open super late, but getting a burger when you’re hungover is near impossible if it’s before midday.

How is it possible that a slab of tofu on a roll with mediocre lettuce and tomato ends up being strangely mesmerizing, and I just want more and more? It’s something about the peanut sate and sweet chili sauce that they include… combined with the tiny, somehow charming, no-​nonsense greasy storefront… that just makes me feel like I’m in a rando hole in the wall back in manhattan.
Again with the skimpiness with the ketchup. Seriously, get over it. And selling a CAN of ketchup is just bizarre and wrong. Yet, I’ll be back. And I’ll follow your strange rules.

There is no objective truth, and all is relative to the position of the observer. This kind of pseudo-​metaphysics is never shown to be more true than in the example of the Burgerie. Is this a mediocre 2 star disappointment or an amazing 4.5 star lifesaver? The answer is yes, to both, because it depends entirely on you. Are you here late at night, drunk, trying desperately to fix all your physical and emotional problems with chips and salt? Then the Burgerie is the ideal solution, and you will love it accordingly.
By contrast, are you trying to feed yourself during daylight hours? Then go get some sushi or something. Sorry, But you can do better.
My point is, I don’t think the time of day affects the quality of the Burgerie. Rather, I think it changes our perceptions of it, but this makes the end result no less valid. Whether this place is any good or not is entirely up to you and your level of woozy desperation.

«YOU WANNA MUSHROOOOOOM???» I’m not sure if this is really where this saying started, but it certainly comes to mind every time I’m swaying outside the Burgerie wondering if, in fact, I really do «wanna mushroom.» They are pretty bloody good mushrooms here. They coat them with this weird green sauce which tastes good but, even just writing about it, makes the front part of my brain feel a bit queasy. If you have too many whilst drunk, you will be throwing them up.
They also, funnily enough, sell Burgers. Including pretty good vegetarian options, if thats your thing. Or you can go for the classic hot chips and eat them there, which can be either hillarious or scary, depending on who walks in and how drunk they are. Apparently they open quite early in the day, but I can’t say I would recommend it as a lunch date kind of place.

Are you on K Road after midnight? Have you been elsewhere during the evening? Possibly at a bar/​pub/​club/​other place where alcohol is avaliable? Do you feel like you ate dinner several hundred hours ago? Do you think if you don’t get some hot chips really, really soon that something bad might happen?
If so, The Burgerie is the place for you. I’m not even really sure why they bother opening much before 10pm at night, as I can’t imagine anyone ever goes there before that time.
They have your usual range of fried foods, plus very excitingly for those of us who aren’t keen on cheeseburgers, a big range of soy based products that can be put in the deep fryer, like soy-​sage hot dogs. They surely must be delicious, although to be honest I don’t have a very good memory of what anything actually tastes like from here apart from hot and salty.
Plus: I’m pretty sure that they make an effort to serve people by themselves, especially females, before others so they don’t have to hang about on K Rd on their lonesome. For that I’m giving them an extra star.

When I first went to The Burgerie, I was with a whole bunch of other drunk people who were ordering burgers and the like. I thought there wouldn’t be much for a vego like me so I nearly decided to hang out front and just wait for them. And then the drunken Gods rained gifts of love and forgiveness onto my swaying body, and The Burgerie’s deep fried mushrooms were bestowed unto me. While I doubt Auckland will ever get anything as good as Melbourne’s Lord of the Fries (vegetarian takeaway), The Burgerie’s mushrooms are close enough in flavour and satisfaction.